How to Build Self-Love: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

In her groundbreaking book All About Love, bell hooks writes: 

“It is no easy task to be self-loving. Simple axioms that make self-love sound easy only make matters worse. They leave many people wondering why, if it is so easy, they continue to be trapped by feelings of low self-esteem and self-hatred.”

Hooks, in exploring the general meaning of love, challenges clouded definitions rooted in mere feelings. Instead, she encourages us to create a working definition of love that is actionable and clear. She argues that mystical or inconsistent definitions contribute to cultural confusion about love and dilute its ultimate healing power.

Drawing from the work of psychoanalysts M. Scott Peck and Erich Fromm, hooks defines love as:  

“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Love is an act of will—namely both an intention and an action.”

When we turn this same definition of love inward, it becomes a powerful blueprint for developing self-love—not as a fleeting emotion but as an intentional practice rooted in actions that nurture our growth and well-being. If this is how we love others, it stands to reason that this is also the way to love ourselves.

In recent years, self-love has faced criticism, particularly from advocates of societal change and community care. A central argument is that we cannot solely focus on personal effort when the broader systems we live within are inherently flawed. Layered into our human experience is the weight of living in a capitalist society that thrives on structured oppression. As a whole, we’re highly individualized and conditioned to equate our worth with productivity, success and external validation, leaving little room for unconditional acceptance and self allowance. Achieving justice in our collective world and fostering safe, loving communities are essential resources for cultivating self-love.

It is also a painful truth that many of us have experienced lovelessness or unpredictable love in our own homes. Often the struggle to love oneself stems from abuse, neglect, or subtle messages of unworthiness that have been internalized. The very people meant to teach us how to love were unable to love us—or themselves—fully. While relationships can be a source of destruction, they can also be a haven for healing. Experiencing co-regulation, where others help develop safe environments that regulate emotions, has been shown to calm the nervous system and create new neurological pathways that generate feelings of safety and connection. When others create security and reflect our positive attributes, we are more able to do this for ourselves.

With this in mind, developing safe relationships and creating a supportive community network can work in tandem with internal self-work. It’s still essential, however, to have actionable steps you can take daily. Hooks references the work of Nathaniel Branden, a pioneer in the psychology of self-esteem, whose Six Pillars of Self-Esteem provide a structured framework for cultivating self-worth. These pillars serve as a starting point—a roadmap for embracing who we are and creating lives rooted in authenticity, joy, and purpose. They are practical ways to show up for ourselves in the same way we wish others would show up for us and in the ways we hope to show up for others.

Branden’s Six Pillars include the practices of living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, and personal integrity. Using these tools, self-esteem becomes about progress and practice.  As you weave these principles into your daily life, you’ll find that self-love becomes less about how you feel moment to moment and more about a steady, enduring state of being.  Just as it requires consistency and conscious effort to love others well, the way you show up for yourself either heals or fractures your internal relationship.

1. The Practice of Living Consciously

Self-esteem begins with awareness. Living consciously means engaging with the present moment, recognizing our thoughts, emotions, and actions without judgment. This pillar encourages us to ask reflective questions like: Am I aware of the choices I make daily? Do I understand the connection between my actions and their outcomes?

Practical Tip: Begin a daily mindfulness practice. Start small—spend five minutes noticing your breath or surroundings. Over time, this habit strengthens your ability to respond consciously rather than react impulsively.

2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance

True self-esteem is rooted in accepting ourselves as we are, imperfections and all. This doesn't mean complacency but rather a compassionate acknowledgment of our common humanity.

Practical Tip: Start a self-compassion journal. Write about moments when you felt critical of yourself and reframe them with kindness, as you would for a friend.

3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility

Self-responsibility means taking ownership of our lives—our choices, actions, and their consequences. It’s about recognizing that while we cannot control everything, we are responsible for how we respond and showing up consistently.

Practical Tip: Reflect on areas where you might be outsourcing your power. Commit to small, actionable changes that align with your goals, such as setting boundaries or pursuing a passion project.

4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

This pillar emphasizes honoring our needs, values, and beliefs while respecting others. Assertiveness requires courage and honesty, enabling us to stand up for ourselves without diminishing others.

Practical Tip: Practice saying “no” to things that don’t align with your values. Start with low-stakes situations and build up to more significant decisions.

5. The Practice of Living Purposefully

Having a sense of purpose gives our lives direction and meaning. Living purposefully involves setting goals, creating plans, and taking deliberate actions toward what matters most to us.

Practical Tip: Write a mission statement for your life. Reflect on your core values and long-term aspirations, and identify one small step you can take today to align with your purpose.

6. The Practice of Personal Integrity

Integrity bridges the gap between our ideals and our actions. It’s about being truthful with ourselves and others, staying consistent in our values, and correcting course when we fall short.

Practical Tip: Conduct a weekly check-in with yourself. Assess whether your actions align with your values and make adjustments as needed.

Conclusion:

Learning to love ourselves is undeniably challenging and requires intentional effort. It involves breaking free from societal pressures, unlearning harmful narratives, and embracing practices that nurture growth and authenticity.

Consistency in self-love practices builds a sense of reliability within ourselves, laying the groundwork for trust. Trust, after all, is the foundation of all love—whether directed inward or outward. By cultivating trust in ourselves, we create a stable and nurturing relationship with who we are at our core. This trust empowers us to show up authentically and wholeheartedly, forming deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and the world around us. In this way, self-love becomes not just an individual act, but a transformative force that radiates outward, shaping a more loving and compassionate world.